Eight Six Seven Five Three Oh Nine

The latest entry cannot be posted without some sort of disclaimer.
A collaboration with Renee, the following story is actually a chain of emails bouncing back and forth between the two of us. It started innocuously enough - a simple email with a fragment of the lyrics of the song that was stuck in my head at the time.


Unfortunately, it only went downhill thereafter.


Amazing, epic work of genius, or evidence that we both require mental help?


Potentially both. On with the show!

I'M CALLIN'
EIGHT SIX SEVEN FIVE THREE OH NIIII-EEE-IIIINE

Who does that call?

The song suggests it calls Jenny, but I can imagine there'd be a few people with that number all over the world.

It also lead to a whole bunch of prank calls.

"OH HAI I'M LOOKING FOR JENNY"
"THERE'S NO JENNY HERE"
"LAWL"

I can just imagine the sweat drops of embarrassment coming out of your head posed at en eighty degree angle now!

That's a pretty severe angle at which to hold your head.

No – that’s where the sweat drops are! Like Japanese anime?

Ahhh. I understand now.

Draw me a pretty picture, please. I don't care what of.



(The picture Renee sent me)

This pleases me greatly.

OH NO LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!

Du na du na du na dunadunaDUNADUNADUNA!! Chomp.

But it was too late.

She was suddenly swallowed whole, swimming in digestive juices.

But it was warm here - she was comfortable.

She was content to stay.

Except for the acid slowly disintegrating her toes.

And yet, despite the loss of her extremities, she was still content.

Where she was, and where she was going, she had no need for her toes.

She decided to pee in the monsters stomach, neutralising the acid. She was a science major, so that bit was easy!

And they all lived happily ever after.

Untill she realised something funny was happening in the stomach… weird contractions in the muscle wall. All of the liquid around her suddenly drained out! The stomach was closing in, clenching her, pushing her to the back of the stomach and towards this tiny tube…

She attempted to hold on for dear life, until she realised she had no fingers and toes to dig into the walls of the stomach.

She pawed at the slimey surfaces all around with her stumps, but to no avail. The contractions of the muscles forced her through the tiny tube, and suddenly everything went black.

Blacker than the inside of the stomach had been.

She realised she was clamping her eyes shut in the darkness, floating in this weird limbo sensation. She was suspended in nothingness.

Breaking the peace around her, she sensed movement directly above her. She could tell it was heading downwards, aiming for her. She twitched and struggled, not wanting to be found by the movement but not really knowing why.

She was grasped firmly by the legs and dragged upwards, upside down. She breaks out of the warm limbo, liquid streaming off her.

"WAAAAH! WAAAAH! WAAAAH!"

She couldn't speak. All she knew was crying. She struggled to open her eyes, but she couldn't make out any of the shapes around her.

She continued screaming and crying.

"Congratulations," and strange man's voice sang out over her screams, "It's a girl!"

As she was wiped down, wrapped in a towel, and cuddled against a warm chest, she felt at peace. She knew these large arms would protect her.

Her eyelids fluttered shut, and she fell asleep, resting against her new mother's bosom.

A few hours later she roused, and started fussing for food. A warm softness was presented to her, and she greedily latched on, happy for the food. No matter how hard she sucked and pulled however, it didn’t seem enough. She grew angry. She was HUNGRY. She was hungry, NOW! She opened her mouth wide, teeth exposed and gleaming. She was vaguely aware of screaming and movement below her, as her mother tried to distance herself from the gaping maw now at her breast.

She opened her mouth wider still, revealing layers and layers of ragged and sharp teeth. Leaning forward, jaw popping with the strain, she enveloped her mothers top half. Standing now on shaky feet, she threw her mother further back into her gullet, relishing the rush of blood to her taste buds. She swallowed once, and her mother was gone.

The screaming continued around her, and she snapped her head around and stared at the two cowering figures in the corner. Drunk of the taste of blood she stumbled towards them - uneasy on her tiny feet. The made a sudden movement for the door, and she launched herself towards them, jaw once again gaping wide.

She gnashed her teeth, and the two were soon devoured. Silence fell on the room. It was peaceful. She was ready to sleep once more.

Satiated, she curled up into a ball and rolled under the nearby bed. There, in the darkness, she fell into a deep, satisfied slumber, until she was woken a while later by more loud noises.

Drums! Drums everywhere! Reverberating in her head, her whole body shook with the force of the sound. A heavy bass line started up, thumping and pulsing along with the rhythm of the drums.

She groggily opened her eyes, fully expecting the cold clinical room that she was in previously, full of the dull whites and greys. However, her eyes were assaulted with colours. Vibrant greens, blues and purples abounded everywhere! Rich smells of flowers and earth pervaded her tiny ill formed nostrils.

She stood unsteadily on her small feet, swaying with the music unintentionally. A giant expanse of land greeted her milky eyes, trees and bushes grew heartily, flowers and vines trailed and bloomed everywhere she saw.

She shook her huge head around wildly, trying to locate the source of the sound

She stumbled through the thickets of the jungle that surrounded her, following the pounding of the drums that filled the air.

She soon happened upon a small village, hidden under the trees. A large bonfire roared in the middle of the huts; masses of jungle folk dancing wildly, pounding drums, and singing and yelling loudly.

The sound grew more deafening the closer she drew. A rage filled her, and she became thirsty. Thirsty for blood. She eyed the soft, supple skin of those that danced before her. She knew what she had to do. She let out a wild, unearthly shriek, and pounced.

The drums were soon replaced by screams of fear and pain. The dying choked on their own blood as their throats were gashed open by her large jaws. There was no escape for her victims. Some ran, but she caught them. She feasted, growing ever stronger; ever thirstier.

It was soon over. The screams silenced. All that remained was the rustle of the jungle around her, and the crackle of the fire in the middle of the village. Using her tiny hands, she falcon-punched the flames. They leapt from the bonfire and engulfed the buildings around her. Her job was done.

Back through the forest she toddled, before she came across a cliff - a raging river raced past far below. She chuckled and gurgled (as babies tend to do), and threw herself over the cliff's edge. She plummeted towards the raging torrent, wondering what adventure would come next.

She hit the water stomach first – the heaviest part of her falling first. An almighty splash crested about her, spraying meters into the air. Under the swirling brown torrent she was tossed around, not even bothering to fight against the strength of the water. She did have gills after all, so there was no need for her to struggle to the surface.

She opens her milky eyes to see nothing through the brown – it’s a solid wall of dirty water. Still, she likes going forward eyes open. It stings her eyes, but still she does not close them. Slowly, from the murk she is able to discern shapes. They slowly gain clarity and definition – yet the water is no less murky! The stinging in her eyes resides little by little as she is able to see more and more. She realised the dirt and sand in the water has scoured away the milky layer over her retinas – she could see perfectly! A wicked toothy grin spread across her visage - she would be even more dangerous now.

It wasn't long before she felt her pace quickening. She surfaced, only to realise she was being dragged towards a large waterfall. Though the fall was unlikely to kill her, she realised the presence of sharp, jagged rocks below certainly might. Panicking, she tried to find a way out of the water, but her efforts were futile. Sheer, smooth rock faces surrounded her, and she had little choice but to follow the water over the edge.

She leapt from the water as she reached the edge, hoping to clear the jagged rocks. She looked down as she tumbled away from the waterfall, but realised she had failed. She was falling towards the rocks, and she had no way to stop herself. Holding her tiny hands above her face, and tightly shutting her eyes, she prepared for the worst and tensed her body.

The was a loud crunch, followed by an odd sensation throughout her torso, and she stopped falling.

There was no sharp impact. She could still hear the water rushing by.

Peeling her eyes open, she could still see the rocks below. Something had stopped her certain death. Her heart leapt, and as she looked upwards, she saw enormous, angelic wings. She twisted to see who they belonged to, but she soon realised they were hers.

She let out a piercing shriek, not unlike a dinosaur, and she prepared herself to feast once more.

With the wings beating powerfully behind her, she let out another all mighty gurgle. The first shriek had used up all her “almost real words” bank, so that was what she was left with.

As she flew, soaring and dipping over the tree tops, she spied a small delicacy grazing on the shrubs. She dipped low, and prepared to land and CHOMP the new tasty.

She opened her mouth in glee, coming in for a landing. She loved the way the wind whistled over her gums. A small disturbance flickered in her mind. Something was wrong. She chomped her mouth angrily, trying to find the source. She gnashed her teeth, but got only gum. Horrified and angry, she realised that when her wings grew, her teeth subtracted!  

In her panic, she landed next to the small creature. Considering her minimal height, the creature was almost the same size as her, but she knew she could take it, even without her enormous teeth.

A thought struck her - she would need teeth to continue hunting. This small creature had teeth. And bones.

That would do.

She turned to the creature, and brought her fist down on its skull, crushing it, and knocking out all its teeth in the process.

She giggled as she picked up the teeth and shattered fragments of skull and jammed them into her gums. Before long, her mouth was almost returned to its former glory, albeit more jagged and fragile. She tested her new chompers, swallowing the rest of the creature whole. She was satisfied with how the makeshift teeth performed, and so, she was once again prepared for the hunt.

She trundled along the forest floor, happily chomping air and giving perfunctory flaps of her giant wings, when she felt a gurgle in her belly. Uneasiness swelled within her, she’d never had anything ill come of her diet? But the persistant wriggling, kicking sensation wouldn’t stop.

She stopped, grimacing. A shudder took her body, working its way up to her throat. Then another. And another! She was really worried now.

Suddenly the most painful and violent shudder took her, sending her to her knees. She felt lumps rise in the back of her throat, and rush out her mouth. Out came the regurgitated body of her last meal, sitting on its bum with its hind legs splayed out before it. It was not alive, but it WAS confused. It decided the thing before it with the great big wings and great big teeth would be its friend, seemingly forgetting she had just eaten it. It gave her a lick to the face.

She sighed. She hadn’t counted on getting a new zombie friend.

Confused as to how it knew she was there, considering the small creature was missing its head, she stared at it for a while.

It gingerly "sniffed" at her (once again, still lacking a head), before circling around her, and sitting itself back down in front of her. She assumed the creature was looking at her expectantly, and the creature began scratching what would have been its ear with its hind paw.

She felt an odd sensation in her weak, ill-formed heart. A similar sensation to that she had felt when her mother had cuddled her close. Love? Did she love this creature? It was cute before she had crushed its skull and used its own teeth and bones to devour it, she supposed, but what use was it now? She watched it for a few more moments, before deciding it wasn't worth her time.

She turned to leave, but she heard the crunching of leaves behind her as the creature followed her. She stopped and turned, it stopped and sat. She rolled her eyes and picked it up to inspect it again. Her stomach gurgled, and she felt a twinge in her mouth and throat. It was time to feed. For now, she would allow the zombie creature to join her in her hunt, but she would indeed make it suffer if it got in her way.

She launched herself into the air, and the creature shuddered out of a combination of nerves and excitement.

It was as if it knew what was coming, and this pleased her.

... and then she woke up.